hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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