MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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