mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
are you so shy because you have an std?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
