i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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