The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
