I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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