Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she told me i tasted like america
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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