the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
they're like a gay fantastic four
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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