Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
