I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
