take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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