So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
