I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
