Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Randomize
