I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize