When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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