Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
