Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
