I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
