if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
