My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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