final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
