i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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