When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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