I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
