I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
