I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
