Life is so much better after having sex.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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