White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
