Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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