I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
