I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
