and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
