My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
