He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
