i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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