So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
