I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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