I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
