fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
