yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
