I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize