What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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