i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
