sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
