Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
