I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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