I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
