my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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