Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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