Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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