Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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