Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
