god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
