My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
