I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I looked at my own cervix.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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