I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
