ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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